I'm back today with the next installment of Brennan and Riz: Pandemic Blues.
Hope you enjoy!
Brennan and Riz: Pandemic Blues
Day 3
Well things didn’t last long. Yesterday consisted of me trying to keep the peace as thing escalated between Riz and Valarie. Starting off with small snipes at each other. Then I tried to separate them, which worked for maybe an hour, then I had a bright idea that sadly backfired. Dungeons and Dragons. I suggested that to pass the time, we start a game. My thinking had been that maybe taking them away from themselves would be the perfect way to get them along.
“Dungeons and Dragons? Yer kiddin me?” Riz asked pointedly. “Dis is really her idea isn’t it?” He said pointing at Valarie that was already deep in the player’s guide. She was still paying keen attention to what he was saying though, as evidenced by what she said next.
“Riz, if this was my idea, you’d already have a class chosen, the worse stats imaginable, and a way to force you into the game world to live like hat. I sadly don’t have that power so, you know, be thankful!” That should have been my first warning that something was going to go badly wrong with this idea. I was being too optimistic...
“Fine I’ll try it, jus don’t expect me ta cosy up ta her if she’s supposed to be my partner in dis!”
“That’s the beauty of this Riz, you can role play as a complete bastard if you really want to. I’d just rather you didn’t...” I said, unable to get out of the corner I knew I was backing into.
“Jus yer wait nd see...Ey! Giv me dat book!” Riz bounced onto the floor, then chased after Valarie to get the handbook off her.
An hour later, I’d gotten them both to do their character sheets. I was eager to get playing so I just wanted the essentials filling out. Riz insisted that his character was a rat who had been transformed by a wizard, for being too much of a hunk and sex god. He then went into great detail about his characters exploits, sounding like a kid who knew what sex was just because he’d seen a dodgy video down his mates house, on a black and white TV. It gets hard to humour him when he gets like this. So when they were both finally ready, I started them off on what I’d hoped would be their sprawling adventure. I went for a classic approach, easing them into things.
“You’re in a cave, it’s dark and dank. What do you do?”
“Well, I take my guns nd start firing wildly inta der darkness!”
“You can't do that!” Valarie said, tapping his crudely drawn character sheet. It would have taken handwriting experts years to have been able to decipher it, when I looked at it, I’d thought that Riz had deliberately wrote it that way so he could claim it said something different when ever he was challenged. I was half right.
“Of course I can do dat! I’m der Rivera Rat! Toughest desperado in dese lands! I can shoot bullets out of air.”
“You’re a rogue you twit! You made a big fuss over not having he right skills to steal so Brennan let you re-roll in the right class!” Valarie countered.
“I don’t care! I’m keepin ma guns, can’t be a desperado wit out dem!”
“Your not supposed to be a desperado anyway. We’re doing a swords and sorcery campaign.”
“Dat’s stuff’s borin. I’m tryin ta mak it interesting! If yer lived thru dat age you’d be doin der same as me!” There went Riz, off on a tangent that mattered to no one but himself. I face planted the desk behind the games master screen. All I wanted was a nice game with no arguments, but I wasn’t even going to get that.
“Riz your missing the point! Your supposed be someone you’re not, get a feel for what it’s like in someone else’s shoes! You know, so maybe you won’t be a massive arsehole.” Valarie said, idly playing with the dice.
“I know wat it’s like in other peoples shoes, I jus don’t care! I wanna play dis game my way, or I’m not playin.”
“If that’s your attitude then you can go get eaten by the first encounter for all I care.”
“Y wud I? Ave yer seen my gear, it’s der best! Nuthin is gunna get past me. I’ll show yer. Come on Bren! Get did party started!” At that, I jolted back up right.
“Oh we’re still playing? Great. So yeah, you’re in a cave and you hear the sound of feet coming up behind you.”
“Rite, I’m gunna turn around, nd take dem all on! You’ll see Val, I’ll blast dem all ta pieces.”
“Be my guest, I’m going to hang just behind, ready to clean up the mess.” Valarie gave me a sly look, I swear what happened next was a mix of luck, and frustration with Riz. How she knew any of that was going to go down, I’ve learned is one of life’s many mysteries.
“Okay, Riz, roll for your first attack then, I’m guessing you’re just going to fire as soon as you see the first creature.”
“Yer bet, I’m gunna hit watevar it is dead in der hed.” Riz picked up the dice, sniffed it, and rolled. He got a 1. Valarie’s laugh haunted me for the next few nights. “Wat’s dat mean?” Riz asked me, in his confusion.
“It means you screwed up. Roll again, for damage and we’ll see what the backfire does to you.” I said as calmly as I could.
“Alritey...” He rolled again, and rolled a twenty. Valarie was in utter hysterics. I had no choice but to work with this. I want to say that I had no bias in what happened next, but that would be an utter lie.
“Well Riz, your gun backfires and the bullet hits you point blank in the head, right between your eyes. You go down with a thud, as the two goblins trample you.”
“Wat?”
“Your dead Riz, and you have goblins dancing on your body.” Valarie tapped on the table to illustrate her point.
“Actually, the goblins weren’t hostile, they were running from something else.” I started to explain.
“I’m out, enjoy yer rubbish. Any game which I don’t win is pointless. I’m goin fer a nap.” With that Riz stormed off to his drawer, hopped inside and then slammed it shut.
“Well that was fun.” Valarie said.
“I know” As I looked over the now useless notes I’d made for the campaign that would never be played again.
“Cheer up Bren, maybe there’s some other kind of role play we could do...” Valarie said, with a wink that was a clear invitation.
“What did you have in mind...” I said.
“Why don’t you roll and find out.” I fumbled the dice as I hastily grabbed them, and then eagerly rolled. I got a 1. Crap.
To be continued...
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